Dan's Little Secret
by ReederJoe
Summary: Dan Howell is a little. Phil Lester is his daddy. When you're in love with someone, each day is more special than the last. And Dan and Phil are disgustingly in love with each other.
1. Confession

**A/N: This is a series I've been working on for a very special person. The chapters skip around, but you don't have to read them in any certain order. Each one is a stand-alone oneshot. I hope you enjoy!**

 **-Justin**

Dan Howell was in love. He sometimes didn't want to admit it to anyone, but that was only because he was naturally pessimistic and the situation he'd gotten himself into was simultaneously the best and the worst thing that could've happened.

See, a few months ago Dan finally got the attention of his favourite YouTuber ever: Phil Lester. It was nothing more than a reply to one of his obsessive, bordering-on-stalker tweets, and it had only been an agreement that Phil was a huge fan of the band Muse. Phil had suggested they talk, and things had pretty much exploded from there. Skyping every night, constant texts, and hundreds of interchanges on twitter. They were quickly becoming one of the most popular couples on the internet, even though 1) They hadn't yet met in person, and 2) They weren't actually dating (according to the lies they told their followers, that is). Things were winding down pretty quickly, however, because Dan would be catching a train at four in the morning to travel to Manchester, where Phil currently lived.

To say he was nervous would be an understatement, but only because he was terrified of scaring the boy off when Phil inevitably found out about his… well, he didn't really know what it was. It wasn't a disease and it wasn't a condition that he'd ever heard of in the doctor's office. It was more of a mental thing, but not like he was "special needs", as people sometimes said. It was just a…thing, he supposed. A thing he didn't really have control over, but he almost always knew when it was about to happen. Certain things could set it off as well, and he typically tried to avoid those things unless he knew he'd be able to enjoy it.

To put things simply, Dan Howell was a little. What's a little, you ask? Well, it's a special mindset that certain people sometimes go into when they're too stressed or just need a place to meditate and forget about their adult problems for a little while. He'd done so much research in the beginning, when he first realized what was happening to him when he suddenly felt like the only important things in life were his colouring book and Winnie the Pooh. Whenever he'd "come out of it"- hours or days later- he'd usually be exhausted for a couple days even though he spent most of that time sleeping.

X X X X

The sound of Skype's ringtone made him jump. He'd been pretty deep in thought, trying to figure out how to tell Phil before tomorrow. The last thing he wanted was for Phil to find out by watching it happen, because Dan knew that it was enough to scare people away if they didn't understand.

"Hey, Bear," Phil practically sang, clearly excited. Dan couldn't help but smile at the thought, because he couldn't not smile when he was around Phil Lester. The angle at which Phil currently sat was causing a tuft of his ebony fringe to fall down, and he didn't seem to be bothered by it, but Dan was shamelessly staring. One corner of Phil's mouth curled up into a half-smile as he watched in silent amusement. He was used to this behaviour from Dan, and if he was being quite honest, he thoroughly enjoyed the way Dan's pupils would grow so wide he could barely see the chocolate colour in them. He'd heard that it happened when people looked at something (or someone) they really loved.

"Philly," Dan greeted cheerfully- maybe a little too cheerfully, but it wasn't like Phil would ever voice that kind of opinion. He'd known for a while now that there was something a bit…off, maybe? He wasn't entirely sure, but it always happened in the nighttime, and Dan would get a little more animated and sometimes he even had a lisp. Phil hadn't asked about it- he knew Dan would tell him when he was ready. Dan, however, had no idea that Phil was picking up on these subtle signs, but he was still planning to tell him before he got on that train tomorrow morning.

"I can't wait to see you," Phil said, smiling wide enough to show off laugh lines in the corners of his blue eyes. "First thing I'm gonna do is wrap you up in my arms and never let go." Dan's cheeks flushed with colour, and Phil gave a triumphant grin.

"I've been looking forward to it for forever," Dan affirmed with a nod of his head, causing the dark fringe to bounce a bit. He was practically bouncing, he was so excited. Phil held his hands up so they were in view and made a heart- their favourite way of saying I love you. Dan returned the gesture with wide eyes and then he opened his mouth to say, "But there's something I need to tell you first."

"Okay," Phil replied casually, because that was really the only thing he could say. With a somewhat forced smile, he said, "Do your worst." Of course, the worst would be Dan telling him he'd changed his mind, that he didn't think he could do it. Really, anything that involved them not seeing each other or being together. Luckily for the both of them, Phil could hide those feelings.

Dan wasn't sure how to begin this conversation. He assumed that Phil had no knowledge or experience in the daddy dom/little boy (DD/LB) world, so he didn't know how much he'd have to explain.

Finally, he parted his lips. "How much to you know about BDSM?" He figured he could start with the most basic information, and they'd work their way from there. Phil arched his eyebrows at this; he knew quite a bit, actually.

"I know more than you probably think," he answered, one hand picking absentmindedly at a thread on his plaid button-up. He kept his eyes on the screen, trying to convey that he wouldn't judge Dan for whatever he was about to tell him.

"Well," Dan continued, tapping his fingers on the desk, "there's, like, regular bdsm, which is like, just bondage and… you know." Phil bit his tongue to suppress the giggle threatening to come out- Dan had never talked like that before, and it was actually kind of adorable, and Dan cleared his throat before trying again. "And then, you know, there's these, like, specialties, I guess. It all follows the same basic plot, but some people are into more specific things."

Phil thought he knew where this was going. He'd read up on most of the sub-categories of bdsm, and he'd suspected what Dan was for a while now, but he'd been too afraid of being wrong to ask about it. Now, though- now, he was almost positive.

"Some people like to be slaves, and then other people like to be cats, but then there's also people who want to be a slave and a cat, which I'm not sure how that works, but"-

"Dan," he started, interrupting whatever he'd been about to say next. Dan snapped his mouth closed and looked at Phil expectantly. Phil took a deep breath. "Are you…little?"

Dan said nothing at first, and Phil was sure he'd been wrong in his assumptions- why'd he have to open his mouth in the first place?- and he started to mumble an apology right as Dan smiled, breathing in a sigh of relief.

"Yeah," he whispered (luckily Phil could read his lips), "I am." He was silent a moment before adding, "How'd you know?"

"Small things," Phil explained. "You act different at night. More excited, I guess. And you kind of have a lisp, too. I always thought it was pretty cute. Plus, I knew you'd tell me what was going on when you felt comfortable with it." He moved one hand to his hair to stroke through his fringe, waiting for Dan's response.

"And you're okay with it?" Dan asked in a tiny voice. He knew it was the deal-breaking question- for both of them. As much as he adored Phil, he knew he couldn't have this relationship if Phil wasn't going to be able to accept it. He should've known, though, that his concerns were absurd and pointless because Phil's lips curved up in a heartwarming smile, and he leaned in a bit to get closer to the screen.

"Of course, Bear," Phil assured him sweetly, longing to reach out and hug him. The best he could do was make sure Dan knew he loved this part of him, too. He could only assure Dan that he loved every part of him. "You can't scare me away that easily."

Suddenly, Dan had a question on his mind. It was something he'd wondered since the very beginning. Without really thinking, he opened his mouth to ask and then snapped it shut before anything came out. Phil noticed, of course.

"What was that?" he asked softly.

"Um."

"Tell me," Phil pressed, leaning forward again.

"Will you, um," Dan tried to say, pausing in the middle to lick his suddenly chapped lips. "I want you to be my"-

"Daddy?" Phil offered, and Dan's eyes lit up with hope. Phil smiled reassuringly as he shifted back a bit. "I'd love to, baby." He'd never done anything like this before, but then again, there wasn't much he wouldn't do for Dan. Dan, on the other hand, was beaming from ear to ear. Not for the first time, he desperately wished there wasn't a screen dividing them, because all he wanted in that moment was to crawl into Phil's lap and be held until he fell asleep. A tiny giggle slipped through when he realized he'd be able to do just that in a few short hours.

"Hey, Dan?" Phil called softly, making Dan snap his chin up. He had one fist under his own chin, propping himself up as he tried to stay awake. Neither of them ever wanted to leave properly and often fell asleep to the sound of each other's breathing through the speakers.

"Hmm?" Dan replied sleepily, feeling the subspace creeping up. He reached off to the side to retrieve a pacifier from the bedside drawer and brought it to his chest, shyly hiding it just off-screen.

"I love you," Phil told him, eliciting smiles from them both.

"I love you, too," Dan replied, and after a moment of thought, he added, "Daddy."


	2. Firsts

**A/N: fluff fluff fluff fluff fluff fluff fluff fluff fluff**

 **-Justin**

Every time the voice came over the loudspeaker, I jumped up, hoping the wait was over. I'd been sitting in the lobby of Manchester's Piccadilly Station for what seemed like hours, and every minute that passed brought me closer to seeing him without a computer screen. This was what I kept telling myself as I sat in the mostly empty building, trying not to go insane.

"743 from London." The PA system crackled to life as the woman began reading off the trains arriving in the next few minutes. I waited for her to mention Reading, and when I heard it, I stood up to go stand by the double-doors in the back, where people were waiting to greet their parties. Right as the overhead voice went silent, my phone buzzed.

I've arrived. Now to drown in bodies

I couldn't help but smile, even though it honestly felt like I might throw up. As excited as I was about finally, finally being able to hug him and kiss him and just hold him, I'd been watching him through a screen for so long I almost wasn't sure if he was even real-

The doors opened suddenly, and a small crowd of people poured in. I stepped to the side, watching them all rush past. Most went into someone's arms, but a couple of people looked around somberly before heading toward the exit. I watched one man walk to the information booth, focusing on the way his dreadlocks bounced as he jerked his head around in search of whoever was supposed to be behind the counter.

"Phil?"

I turned in the direction of the voice, not quite registering at first who it belonged to. And then, I was looking at him. Him- Dan- the person I'd been falling for just a tiny bit more every day. He was right there, in the flesh, no screens or computers separating us. Brown hair lying perfectly, chocolate eyes wide and focused on me. He was dressed in black from head to toe- the same as last night.

It was almost involuntary, the way I marched up to him and pulled him close as I threw my arms around his neck. His arms wound around my waist and we stood there in silence, holding each other as tight as possible, and time didn't even exist. He tucked his head into the junction where my neck and shoulder met, and I heard him take a deep breath before sighing softly. I tightened my grip on him and a bit of his fringe fell forward to brush my cheek. I let out a chuckle without realizing.

"Can't believe it," Dan was muttering, pressing his face further into my skin. To my surprise, there was a sudden vibration against my neck as he let out a little whimper.

"You're crying," I stated, pulling away just enough to see his face. Despite the tears now wetting his cheeks, he was smiling more widely than I'd ever seen before. He tugged one arm free and brought his hand up to rub at his eyes. I reached out to swipe his cheek with my thumb, and he sighed again. "No crying now, Bear."

He nodded once and buried his face in my shoulder once more.

X X X

We had our first kiss at the top of the Manchester Eye. It had been Dan's insistence that we get on, and I could see his eyes alight with fascination as he watched the cars going round. There were a few rotations before we were stopped in the center at the highest point and Dan's head whipped around, hair flying every which way as he took in all the things we couldn't see from the ground. All I could do was watch him, mesmerized by the pure innocence radiating off him, and when he finally turned to look at me, chocolate eyes wide with wonder, I leaned in without a second thought. His lips were chapped, but also soft and warm and Dan, and that was the only thing my mind could register as I curled a hand over his cheek to hold him closer. My eyes were closed, but I felt him cover my hand with his palm, fingers clutching gently, and then it was over. Just like that.

X X X

"Um." Dan's eyes darted back and forth between where I stood in the doorway and the bed pressed against the wall. I knew what he was thinking. He took a step back, toward me. "You want me to"-

"You sleep with me, silly," I told him right away, cutting off what I knew was an offer to camp out in the lounge. Part of me wondered how he could even imagine that as the choice I expected of him, but I also knew he was still worried about the things he'd told me last night. Would I be able to tell when he was about to go into that space?

"Oh," he said, a mixture of relief and tension on his face. He looked back toward the bed and scrunched his nose up, and I could guess what he was thinking about. I walked over and wrapped my arms around him. Right away, he melted into the embrace, and he began making a series of soft sounds that sounded very relaxing.

"Let's get ready for bed," I whispered to him when he didn't make any motion to move. He nodded against my chest and allowed me to lead him to the edge of the duvet. I could see his eyes turning glassy, like he was about to cry, and I slipped a hand under his chin to make him look at me. "What's wrong, Bear?"

"Want," he whimpered, and I knew immediately what he meant. I left his side to go dig through his bag, cheering quietly to myself when I found his pacifier. As I held it up for him to see, I realized he was still talking. "Come back, daddy." His eyes zeroed in on the object I held up and both hands shot out, fists clenching and unclenching over and over. "Paci!" he called out enthusiastically as I made my way back to him. He snatched it from my palm and smiled widely, popping it in his mouth and sucking greedily before snuggling into my side. His eyes slowly slid shut and I shook him gently to keep him awake, at least until we could get under the covers.

"Come on, baby," I instructed, standing up quickly. He was latched on to my side and stood up with me, clutching fistfuls of my shirt in his hands. I reached down to pat his jean-clad thigh and said, "Let's get those off. You'll be more comfortable." He looked down at his knees briefly and then nodded his head, releasing one hand to fumble with his belt. It was a fruitless effort seeing as how he was apparently unwilling to let go of me completely, and after five minutes of him trying to undo the button with one hand, I reached down with my own hands and did it for him. My fingers brushed over his happy trail, and he jerked away with a giggle, somewhat muffled around the pastel-coloured pacifier between his lips.

"Off they go," I mused, hooking my thumbs in two belt loops and pulling his jeans down to his ankles. He'd moved his hands to my shoulders for balance, and he lifted one foot at a time until they were off, and then he wrapped his arms around my neck, placing a tiny kiss on the tip of my nose. "Hold on a minute, love," I said as I gently removed his arms. He pouted for a second before plopping back down on the bed and watched in silence as I stripped down to my boxers. As soon as I'd removed the last piece- my favourite yellow plaid- Dan was back in my arms, and I led us to the bed, tucking him in first and then sliding in beside him. He fell asleep almost immediately, but not before he curled himself into a ball and pressed himself as close to my body as possible, head tucked under my chin and fingers rubbing soft circles into my arms. I pressed a kiss to his forehead and turned the lamp off, slowly becoming aware of an almost indiscernible sucking sound that was strangely relaxing. His legs stretched out to tangle in with mine and even though I couldn't really see him in the dark, I twisted my head to look at his face.

"I love you, Bear," I whispered into his ear. He hummed in response.

X X X

I wasn't sure what woke me up, but when my eyes opened, I could just barely make out the shapes in my bedroom. Dim light streamed in through the window and I guessed it was around seven in the morning. Dan slept soundlessly beside me, lips parted slightly and hands still clutching my arm. I smiled at the sight of it, and then I realized his pacifier was nowhere to be found. He seemed okay without it, but I was sure he'd be in distress if he woke up in little space without it.

Luckily it had just fallen between us, and I found it underneath my pillow. I swiped it with part of the sheet and placed it back in his mouth. His pink lips stretched around the rubber automatically as he sucked it into his mouth. A little sigh sounded out as his eyelids fluttered, and then he was looking at me with sleepy eyes. One hand reached up to move the pacifier, and he asked in a rather high-pitched voice, "What's going on?"

"Nothing, love," I assured him, pressing a palm to his cheek. He leaned in to the touch. "Your paci fell out, I was just putting it back." He smiled at my words and shuffled over to curl back into my side. I wrapped both arms around him and pulled him close, one hand stroking through his hair gently.

"Thank you, daddy," he murmured, before taking the rubber between his lips once more. He tucked his head under my chin and I kissed the top of his head as he began tracing circles lazily over my skin. I fell back to sleep with the tingling feeling of his fingers etched in my mind.


	3. Dan's Birthday

**June 11, 2010**

I woke up to Dan's pacifier right in my face. It'd fallen out of his mouth sometime during the night- as it did almost every night- and rested on the pillow one inch from my cheek. I lifted my head slightly and immediately became aware of his proximity.

Dan was curled up and pressed into my side- no part of him not touching some part of me- with his thumb between his lips and fingers hooked around his nose. This was how he slept almost every night, even when he wasn't in little space. I couldn't complain- I loved it too much. I went to wrap an arm around his waist and his eyelids fluttered as he let out a small mumble.

He pulled his thumb away to move his hand toward me, grabbing at the front of my shirt. Once he had a grip, he tugged himself closer and pressed his other hand to my chest. "Morning," he murmured, tilting his chin to nuzzle into the side of my neck. His dark fringe tickled my skin; I felt him smile when I laughed.

"Morning, baby," I whispered, pressing a kiss to his temple. "Happy birthday."

X X X X

Louise came over around noon. Chris and PJ were right behind her. I'd discovered a while back that they had a relationship similar to mine and Dan's, and that fact had brought us quite close. It'd been an accident, really- walking into the room with PJ crouched on the floor and holding Chris while he sucked a pacifier. They'd been terrified when they'd caught me watching them, and I was quick to assure them.

It was nice to have friends who understood.

"Do we have blue?" PJ asked from the kitchen. He was helping Louise with a cake, and I walked in to find them both covered in flour. Louise bent down to peer in a cupboard and let out a little cheer when she produced a tiny bottle of liquid. PJ snatched it and began dropping little dots into a bowl. I watched from the doorway, laughing.

"I like blue," Chris called from across the room, eliciting a round of giggles from the three of us. I left the two of them to continue destroying my kitchen and headed toward the sofa Dan and Chris were sat in the corner with crayons and colouring books, though Chris seemed mostly interested in making random scribbles. Dan, on the other hand, had a crease in his brow as he concentrated on filling in one picture as perfectly as possible. I watched him for a moment before walking over to the table.

I sat in the chair facing them so I could see Dan and went to work on some editing. The party wouldn't start until later, and I imagined we'd have at least three cakes by then. Louise was a decent baker, but she'd let PJ talk her into trying for insane shapes (It'd definitely be worth it if it worked out).

After a few minutes of silence, I heard the soft sound of swishing pants. I looked up to see Dan standing right beside me with a paper in his hand and a wide smile on his face. Once he had my attention, he stretched an arm out and I took the sheet from his hand. It was a cartoonish dinosaur with light green skin and orange polka dots. I looked it over with an approving smile as he reached out again to grasp my arm. He squeezed gently and I knew he was asking what I thought. He hardly ever talked when he was in little space, but he was much more expressive.

"It's beautiful, baby," I assured him, and he smiled wide enough to show his dimples and a bit of his teeth. He leaned into my side, pressing his cheek to my shoulder, and I wrapped one arm around his waist. "You want to hang it up?" He nodded once against me. I prodded him gently to the side and stood up; he fisted a hand into my shirt as I did so.

"Uncle Phil, look," Chris suddenly shouted, jumping up from his place in the corner. He held his own sheet up for me to see- it was the same picture, but his paper was a rainbow of swirls. He never did like colouring in the lines.

"That looks great, Chris," I said proudly, prompting PJ to twist around. He held a large mixing bowl in his arms, somehow covered in more flour. As soon as Chris noticed him looking, he ran over to PJ, practically shoving the drawing in his face.

"Gorgeous," PJ commented with a nod, tilting his head to one side to avoid paper cuts. Chris gave a toothy grin and let the page fall to the floor as he wrapped both arms around PJ's neck and nuzzled into his side. PJ was all smiles as he moved his arms to wrap around Chris, and then there was a loud shriek when PJ suddenly tickled him.

X X X X

The cake had been a bust, but Dan still loved it. Of course he did, because there was never anything he didn't appreciate. Louise had attempted to draw dinosaurs with her icing tubes, but the result had been some kind of mutation that looked like a crocodile in the middle of a seizure. Dan had clapped when she presented it to us all at the table, and his approval was all that really mattered to her. She'd ignored Alfie and Joe's playful remarks about the disaster food. At least it still tasted good, and Dan had blown out all the candles on the first try, which he was very proud of. He'd given me one of those nearly heartbreaking smiles after realizing he'd blown them all out at once, and Chris didn't even butt in like he normally did.

The presents were my favourite part, if only because there was nothing I loved more than the look on Dan's face when he was so happy his forehead wrinkled up. Zoe and Alfie had gotten him a forest green dinosaur plushie, which he'd held tight under one arm as he opened the rest. Joe had given him a new set of headphones, which I knew he'd enjoy for his editing. As for now, though, he wasn't very interested in them. Joe knew not to take it to heart.

From me, he'd received a collection of stuffed Winnie the Pooh characters. He'd immediately declared it to be the best gift of the night. Nobody even batted an eye, they just smiled at him and occasionally shot glances in my direction. Zoe was grinning the whole time, Alfie rolling his eyes every time she gushed over something "cute", like Dan switching to his thumb every so often or me kissing his cheek right before handing him my gift.

By the time we were through with presents and only PJ and Chris remained, Dan had managed to crawl into my lap. He sat sideways, legs slung over the arm of the sofa and fingers tracing circles into the skin showing on my chest. It was the easiest way to tell he was tired, and I wondered how long it would take for him to fall asleep on me. Not that I was complaining, because it was honestly one of my favourite parts of this side of him.

Chris and PJ were sat on the floor, Chris demanding PJ's full and undivided attention. PJ was only too happy to oblige, appearing genuinely excited by all the drawings Chris showed him. Dan watched them with sleepy eyes, yawning every few minutes. This was one of only a handful of times that he'd been awake for so long in little space. He'd sleep for the next two days, probably. Suddenly, Dan stuck his head under my chin and let out a little murmur that could've been a word but also didn't sound like anything. His fingers tightened their grip on my shoulders and I responded by hugging him closer to my chest.

"Is it bedtime, love?" I asked, and he gave a weak nod against my neck, fringe tickling my skin. I patted his legs and scooted to the edge of the cushion. "Alright, hold on." He nodded again before moving his legs to wrap around my waist. His head went to the crook of my shoulder and he snaked his arms over my shoulders and locked his hands and ankles in place.

I could feel PJ watching me out the corner of his eye. He and Chris would be taking Dan's room tonight because we'd made plans to surprise Dan and Chris early in the morning.

After making him use the toilet, I pulled the covers down in our room. He stripped out of his clothes on his own and then smiled widely at his success before climbing into bed.

"Come on, daddy," he mumbled, not even giving me a chance to move. I laughed softly at his insistence and quickly discarded my own shirt, choosing to leave on the trackies. Dan was on me like a magnet as soon as my head touched the pillow. Arms curled in front of him and legs tangling with mine. I wrapped an arm around him and pulled him close enough to feel his heartbeat on my own chest. This was what I loved most about his little space- the constant closeness he so desired. I would've been content to spend all our time just holding him like this, but I settled for watching him stretch his thumb toward his lips and sucking it into his mouth. He looked at me for a moment, chocolate eyes glassy with exhaustion, and then his eyelids slid shut as his free hand crept over to lay on my chest.

He fell asleep quickly after that, breathing out tiny sighs with every exhale.


	4. You Don't Have To

**(2011)**

It was three a.m., and Dan was still up. This wasn't particularly surprising- he was infamous for pulling all-nighters, especially with exams right around the corner. I got to my feet, kicking the sheets away, and headed toward the lounge to try coaxing him to bed. As I got closer to the open doorway, I became aware of a strangled mumbling sound, and it only took a few seconds to realize it was coming from Dan.

He was sat on the edge of the sofa, textbook in hand, but he wasn't reading it. Instead, he was staring straight ahead with an almost frighteningly blank expression on his face. Every few seconds, he'd glance down and turn the page roughly, and then he'd continue staring at the wall. I stood at the arm of the sofa, almost afraid to interrupt whatever he was doing, but as I got down to eye level I could see the shine of tears on his cheek.

"Dan?" I said softly, inching around to kneel in front of him. One hand reached out to touch his shoulder, and as I made contact he jerked away- rather violently- and the book thumped to the floor at his feet. He bent forward to pick up it and opened it to the middle. "Dan."

He made no effort to respond to me, instead looking down blankly at the pages. "Dan, it's nearly four in the morning," I said as I took the textbook from his now trembling fingers. His eyes were glassy and wide, and I suddenly realized why he was acting so weird. I'd never seen him try to do schoolwork in littlespace.

"Danny," I whispered as I gathered him into my arms. At the mention of his name, he finally stirred to life and tucked his face into my neck, arms wrapping around me in a vice grip. I wondered how long he'd been like this as he let out tiny whimpers, tightening his grip further when I slid over.

"Daddy, don't go." He finally spoke, which I hadn't really expected of him now that I knew what was happening. He almost never spoke when he slipped, but now he was, and his voice was broken. I could feel a total breakdown coming, and all I could do was somehow hold him tighter as his sobs shook us both.

"I'm not going anywhere," I promised him, and he gave a tiny nod, his hair tickling my throat as he moved. My hands went around, one rubbing circles into his side and the other reaching for his face. He leaned into my touch and let out a strangled sound that could have been a sigh. His hands fisted into my shirt as he struggled to calm himself down. It felt like hours, but eventually his breathing slowed, and he heaved a heavy sigh as he pushed himself just far enough to meet my gaze. His brown eyes were glassy with unshed tears, cheeks wet with tear-tracks, and my heart was breaking at this version of him.

It was silent for a moment, no sound but that of our breaths, his quick and faulty, mine slow and deep, and after a few seconds, he opened his mouth and said, "I don't want to do this anymore." I was a little surprised at the tone- it wasn't high-pitched like it usually was when he talked in little space, and even when he did talk, he only said two or three words at a time. I realized with a start that he hadn't gone into little space at all -though it had to be something similar-, even though he'd called me 'daddy'.

"You don't have to," I assured him, though I wasn't one hundred percent sure what he meant. He could've been talking about anything from wanting to go to bed to wanting to break up with me. Instead of speaking again, he tucked himself back into my arms and started crying again.

"It's all I have," he whimpered, raising his head to look up at me through his lashes. The sight of it was almost enough to make me break down myself, but I held myself together while he continued. "I'm never going to be make it on YouTube,' he said, shaking his head against my chest. "I'm not good at anything else. Uni is the only thing I can fall back on."

"You don't want to be a lawyer," I told him as I kissed his hair. "I know you don't." I felt his jaw move when he opened his mouth again- to protest, I was sure. "You can't tell me otherwise," I continued, resting my chin on top of his head. I heard a sniffle. "Just quit," I said rather suddenly.

"I can't"-

"No, no," I interrupted. "Just hear me out." He sighed again, but let me speak. "You're so good at what you do. You love making those videos, even if you do complain and procrastinate worse than anyone I've ever met." He laughed at this, and I smiled. "This isn't the first time you've stressed yourself out because of exams, but I've never seen you this upset. I hate it."

"What if I'm a failure?" His voice was tiny and muffled through the fabric of my shirt. I couldn't help but laugh.

"You won't be," I said as I hugged him close to me. "I won't let it happen."

He leaned away, reaching for my hand. "You promise?" I gave his hand a squeeze and moved my free hand to cup his now dry cheek. He was smiling when I leaned in to kiss him softly.

"I promise."

X

"Philly, look!"

Dan and I were in the lounge, taking down the Christmas decorations- well, I was taking down Christmas decorations while Dan laid on the floor colouring a picture I wasn't allowed to see yet- and all of a sudden I heard his excited yell from across the room. I turned away from the window to see him no longer on the floor, but sprawled out on the sofa and scrolling through something on his phone.

"What is it?" I walked over and lifted his legs to sit down beside him, and he twisted around so that his head was in my lap. His features were smoother than usual, and I had come to associate that with his "happy" little space, as he liked to say. The kind that didn't come from overwhelming stress. He quite literally shoved his phone in my face and I read the words off on the screen. It was an email informing him of his 3 millionth subscriber.

"That's amazing, Danny!" I exclaimed, glancing down at his smiling face. His eyes twinkled with excitement and his hands shot up again to snatch the phone away, but instead of going back to whatever he'd been doing, he tossed it aside and sat himself up to sit in my lap properly. "I'm so proud of you," I said as he laid his head sideways on my shoulder. "I knew you'd make it."

"Daddy's always right," Danny said with a giggle that was abruptly cut off by a yawn. I reached down to pat a bit of skin that had been exposed when he raised an arm up and he let out another squeal.

"Is it time for bed, love?" I asked, already knowing the answer. If it was a question, the answer was always-

"No!" He insisted immediately, shaking his head against my neck. "Never!"

"Yes, I think it is," I told him. He shook his head again, but didn't say anything. He'd become less and less verbal the deeper he got into little space. Sometimes it was gradual and sometimes it would all happen at once- one moment he was Dan and the next he was silent Danny. "Yes, you're getting sleepy. You're a sleepy bear." I scooted to the edge of the cushion and he wrapped his legs around. We were both familiar with the routine by this point.

I carried him up the stairs to the bathroom and sat him down on the toilet. After a few minutes of debate, he agreed to "try go" and I gave his blushing cheek a kiss when he stood up triumphantly. He decided on the dinosaur onesie to sleep in.

"Smell good now," he remarked after helping me rub him down with lavender baby lotion (and by help, I mean he slathered it all over my cheeks), and then we spent a full ten minutes shuffling back and forth to get him into the suit- mainly because he would not sit still. It was all in good fun, though, and I knew that. I'd known that when I signed up for this life nearly five years ago.

"Time for bed," I announced after he was fully dressed. He opened his mouth to protest, like usual, and I cut him off with, "Pooh's waiting on you. He's got something for you."

Danny squealed loudly as I led him down the hall and pulled away from me to clap his hands together when he saw one of his Winnie the Pooh stuffies lying on the pillow with a solid black pacifier around his paw. I'd ordered it earlier that week from a place that made baby things in adult sizes. It would keep his jaw from hurting when he tried to suck on a baby-sized one.

I walked over to pull the covers down while he busied himself with the new toy, and when I called his name, he turned around with a half-hidden grin on his face and Pooh tucked under one arm. He came over and plopped down on the bed, patting the empty sheets right away to let me know I had to come, too. When I slid in beside him, he wriggled until his back was flush against my chest, and then he reached back to take my arm and wrap it around his waist. I raised up and leaned over to give him and Pooh both a goodnight kiss, and then tightened my grip on him. My other arm slid underneath him and his hand found mine beside the pillow, fingers intertwining beneath the blankets. After a few seconds I realized I'd forgotten something, and released him for a moment to switch the lamp off. I heard him giggle in the darkness.

"Don't you ever forget," I whispered to him. "I'm so proud of you. Always. You're my special baby boy."

There was a slight pressure as he twisted his head to the side. "Love you too, daddy."


End file.
